


A rain full of ghosts

by firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin



Series: Monsta X sunny summer fic bingo [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Camping, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Monsta X Bingo, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 13:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7641844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin/pseuds/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s raining out there ― heavy, icy droplets of water chastening their tent with a constant sound that reminds him too much of home ―, and, once the urge to cry starts to show and he can’t stop shaking anymore, Hoseok can’t help the thought that the cold calls out all of his demons.</p><p>Hyunwoo only wants to keep him warm ― but he can’t fight what he can’t touch.</p><p><b>alternatively:</b> some ghosts never leave</p>
            </blockquote>





	A rain full of ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> 1st. fic for the Monsta X sunny summer fic bingo made by the tumblr monstaxfanfic, hELLO THERE PEOPLE <3  
>  ~~I PROBABLY WOULD POST EARLIER BUT my OCD didn't let me because aUGUST~~  
>  First work for this fandom, I've been excited since I saw the tumblr post, omfg somebody help me *-*  
>  Thank you for the admins for this  <3 
> 
> So, my prompt was "camping/summercamp au".  
>  I couldn't resist, I ended up writing angst ~~sister that's all your fault~~  
>  Hope you enjoy it! :D
> 
> ps.: English's not my mother tongue. Sorry for any mistake made!

“What do you think about camping?”

Hoseok looks up from his phone ― where he’s been playing Candy Crush for the last hour or so ― to look at his boyfriend. Hyunwoo’s surrounded by promotional pamphlets about places they’ve been planning on traveling to. It’s kind of cute, with his hair sticking up in a total mess from his hands running through it too many times, and Hoseok can’t resist the urge to smile.

“I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention.”

Hyunwoo huffs dramatically, tapping his side on the carpet.

“Get your lazy ass here and let me explain, then.”

Hoseok laughs, but leaves the phone on the couch and obeys. He immediately snuggles against his boyfriend, leaning against his chest, and Hyunwoo hums contently before surrounding him with his arms. He’s warm, too comfy, and Hoseok nuzzles against his neck for a moment more before finally looking at what’s leaving his boyfriend so troubled.

“I know I promised you a trip on our third year celebration, but look.” Hyunwoo rests his chin on the top of Wonho’s head. “Everything’s too expensive at this time of the year.”

He’s not lying, Hoseok knows. His pocket feels empty just by looking at the papers full of numbers.

“So I was thinking, you know, about camping. I know a good place, we’d pay just the gasoline and the food we’d take with us.”

Hoseok’s not usually the type to whine for things, but he really wanted to travel with Hyunwoo. He looks at the numbers again.

“And the trip?”

Hyunwoo gives him a soft smile.

“I’ll try an interview to a better job and, if I get it, I’ll keep the money for our trip. We’ll just have to wait a few months and then we can go to wherever you want us to go, expensive or not.” he hugs Hoseok, bringing him closer. “Consider the camping a temporary thing, a replacement. I’ve made you a promise and I intend to keep it.”

“Hm.”

Wonho pretends he’s thinking about it just to see Hyunwoo watching him worriedly ― not for too long, of course, he’s not an asshole, he just likes to know that his boyfriend cares about what he thinks.

“You’re making me nervous.” Hyunwoo squeezes him tightly. “Look, we can –”

“It’s perfect.” Hoseok interrupts him before the older can start one of his paranoid monologues. “Really. I loved your idea.”

Hyunwoo eyes him suspiciously.

“You’re not lying just to make me happy, right? If you want the trip, we can go, I swear.”

Hoseok rolls his eyes and bites Hyunwoo’s chin playfully.

“I’m not lying, promise.” he laughs when the older pinches his sides in retaliation. “We can go camping instead of taking a plane to the other side of the world. As long as I’m with you, I don’t mind.”

Hyunwoo’s blushing, holding him closer, and Hoseok feels happy like never before.

He can almost forget everything else, really.

Almost.

*

“So, you and Hyunwoo are going camping the next weekend?”

Minhyuk brings the subject all of a sudden in a sunny, beautiful tuesday, when they’re packing the shelves of the supermarket. Hoseok looks at him, furrowing his eyebrows together. He doesn’t remember sharing that information with his best friend, so, it can only mean something.

“Did he tell you?”

The blonde gives him a sheepish smile.

“He can’t shut up about you at all, so… Yeah. At least three times only this morning.”

Hoseok’s cheeks feel warm. He looks away because that’s an awkward feeling, it makes him feel defensive, and he doesn’t like to feel defensive. His fingers curl up tighter around the food can before he shrugs.

“Oh.”

“You didn’t answer me.” Minhyuk observes. “Is that a yes?”

“Why does it matter?” Hoseok finally turns to look at him, his voice icy cold. He feels unprotected ― he doesn’t like to tell where he goes, when he goes, with _whom_ he goes to _anybody_ , **never**. It’s kind of besides the point of trying to follow his life without depending on people once again.

Minhyuk sighs, his shoulders dropping, eyes turning sad. Hoseok knows he made him upset, but now, right now, he’s still too fucking _angry_ to care. How could Hyunwoo do this to him? He should know better. _Minhyuk_ should know better. Hoseok only wants to live in peace. He doesn’t want to be scared anymore.

 _Never again_ , he vowed, and he’ll keep this vow.

“Nothing. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you.”

Hoseok closes his hands into fists, breathing deeply. He shouldn’t feel guilty. He’s not going to ― _hell_. He feels guilty already. Silently, he takes his place at Minhyuk’s side again, restarting the process of organizing the food cans.

They don’t talk about it again during the rest of the shift.

Suddenly, Hoseok’s day feels a lot worse.

 

 

“Why the _fuck_ did you tell Minhyuk about our plans for the weekend?”

Hyunwoo seems out of place ― his happy smile fades, his face suddenly full of worry. He straightens his back, blinking in surprise at Hoseok’s angry voice, and his eyebrows furrow confusedly, becaus he doesn’t have _any idea_ what his boyfriend’s saying right now.

“I – what are you talking about?”

“You told Minhyuk we are going camping this weekend!” Hoseok throws his arms up. “And I want to know _why_!”

“Whoa, calm down.” Hyunwoo’s eyes widen. “I wasn’t –”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

Hyunwoo shuts up instantly, taking a step back. Hoseok rubs his forehead, his cheeks, his lips. His eyes feel warm, watering, and he wants nothing but to yell at his boyfriend until his voice fails him. But he’s not going to do it. He’s not. He doesn’t _need to_.

“I’m just – I’m so – I’m so fucking _mad_ at you.” he looks at Hyunwoo, who seems startled, confused and a little upset. Hoseok wants ― he _needs_ to know _why_.

“You didn’t want him to know?”

Hoseok takes in a deep breath. Hyunwoo approaches slowly, his hands raised in a harmless position, his features softening when he notices how distressed the younger looks. Hoseok doesn’t want him to understand ― he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore, he doesn’t want to feel so frightened, so afraid.

“I’m sorry, Wonho.” Hyunwoo says. “I just – I wanted to share the news with someone. I didn’t know it was going to upset you.”

Hoseok looks away because, if he watches too carefully, he’ll end up crying again.

“But it did.”

“And I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” he blurts out again, blood boiling inside his veins. “I don’t want you to – I’m not – Stop looking at me like that!”

Hyunwoo swallows dry, frowning. He’s completely lost here. He doesn’t even know how he should feel, what he should do. Hoseok presses his palms against his eyes, trying to stop the desperate cry that comes up to his throat. He’s so ― he feels so ― he wants it to _end_.

“I’m going to our room.” he mumbles, voice muffled against his hands. “Don’t come for me.”

“Okay.” Hyunwoo’s reply is weak.

Hoseok doesn’t look at him when he runs to their bedroom.

Hyunwoo doesn’t try to soothe him or to amend things.

The night’s silent ― and Hoseok’s heart bleeds.

*

The weather forecast to the weekend promises a bright sun and a sky free of clouds.

Hoseok stares at his phone for at least an hour before deciding what he’s going to do.

He dials Hyunwoo’s number during his lunch time.

“I want to go camping with you.”

“Okay.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t ask anything, doesn’t try to make his boyfriend explain why he’s acting ― why he’s _being_ ― so strange.

And Hoseok loves him for it.

*

The grass feels funny under his fingers. The sky’s clean like the weather forecast promised, the sun warm over his skin and clothes. There’s wind, but it only serves to make things better, blowing his hair out of his face, tickling him.

Hoseok laughs and, at his side, Hyunwoo smiles ― no trace of worry over his face, not even a sign of distress on his features; but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes at all.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it! It’s  beautiful.”

“Good. I – I only want to make you happy.”

Hoseok’s cheeks hurt from grinning so widely, and he pushes Hyunwoo to lay at his side. As soon as the older does it, Hoseok presses his head against his chest ― _thump-thump_ , is the sound of Hyunwoo’s heart against his ears, _thump-thump, thump-thump._

He never felt so alive before.

“You’re doing it right.” Hoseok promises, giving Hyunwoo a soft kiss. “You’re doing it right.”

He should know better than hope for things to work out in the end.

 

 

The weatherman is a liar. The weatherman is a cruel, cruel liar.

The rain starts at two in the morning, and Hoseok has nowhere to run anymore.

 

“Babe? Why are you awake?”

Hoseok looks at his wonderful, wonderful boyfriend ― who doesn’t have any idea what’s happening, who tried so hard to make him enjoy his day and their short trip and all the little things while working on tying up the tent together. And everything he sees is a confusing blur of colors, white and red and green all mixing and mocking him for his weakness.

“Why are _you_ awake?” he tries to shoot, but his voice fails him, his tone’s not as hard as he wished it to be. “It’s, like, t-three in the morning.”

 _He shouldn’t be stuttering._ He shouldn’t. Hoseok’s stomach sinks.

Hyunwoo doesn’t seem to notice, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He only watches for a moment, considering his options before slowly sitting. At this point, Hoseok’s heart hammers cruelly against his ribcage, taking away his breath, making his fingers curl up around themselves in an attempt to preserve their warmth.

He feels cold. He feels _too cold._

It hurts.

“Are you okay?” Hyunwoo bites his lips hesitantly. “Can I – can I come closer?”

Hoseok shakes his head without thinking twice. He doesn’t want anyone close to him ― not even his boyfriend. His boyfriend who never hit him, who never hurt him, who never tried to. Hoseok doesn’t trust him ― _hell,_ at this point, Hoseok doesn’t trust _himself._

“You want me to get out?”

It’s raining out there ― heavy, icy droplets of water chastening their tent. Hoseok takes a moment to think about it. He doesn’t want Hyunwoo to stay, but he doesn’t want him to go either. He shakes his head again. Hyunwoo watches him with sorrowful eyes.

“Is there something I can do for you?” he starts his rant before Hoseok can refuse. “You want the blankets? I – I don’t know, coffee? A hug? Something to keep you warm?”

It’s raining out there ― heavy, icy droplets of water chastening their tent with a constant sound that reminds him too much of home ―, and, once the urge to cry starts to show and he can’t stop shaking anymore, Hoseok can’t help the thought that the cold calls out all of his demons.

Hyunwoo only wants to keep him warm ― but he can’t fight what he can’t touch.

Hoseok feels suffocated.

“He used to like tempest nights a lot.” he blurts out, and Hyunwoo stares at him, confused. “No one could – no one heard me if it was raining outside.”

It takes a moment for the information to sink in, and, when it does, Hyunwoo pales. Hoseok closes his eyes, shrinking further inside his hoodie. _He’s not scared. He’s not scared._

He ― he _is_ scared. He’s completely _terrified._

“I didn’t…” Hyunwoo trails off, his voice barely above a whisper. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s been a long time.” Hoseok sniffles, wiping his face, and looks away. “I’m sorry.”

Hyunwoo takes a moment to answer. When he decides to do it, he crawls closer, and Hoseok’s breath hitches. He waits to be punched, to be kicked. He waits to be hurt, to feel blood on his mouth and tears sticking down his cheeks. He waits, and waits ― and _waits._

The hit never comes.

Hyunwoo touches him instead, fingers shaky, warm, hands soft.

 _Careful._ He’s not hitting him ― he’s _caressing_ him.

It’s the maximum of kindness that Hoseok’s noticed in a long, long time.

He breaks down crying ― and is immediately engulfed in a tight hug.

“Is that why you never stay in bed when it rains?” Hyunwoo half whispers, half asks, but he doesn’t seem to need an answer, pressing his head against Hoseok’s neck. His breath is warm, even his _tears_ are warm, and his voice breaks when he tries to talk again. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t – I didn’t want to – _I’m sorry._ I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Hoseok hiccups, holding him, hugging him, silently begging to not be left behind. “Not – I didn’t tell – not your fault.”

But Hyunwoo doesn’t hear him, silently rubbing the younger’s back, warming him up, both of them shaking. The rain out there keeps going on and on for what feels like forever, and Hoseok cries until he feels like there’s nothing to cry anymore. He feels tired, he feels sore ― he feels like he could sleep for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t even care anymore.

“I’m sorry.” Hyunwoo whispers again, voice low, muffled against his hair.

Somewhere between their cries and Hoseok’s sobs, they ended up laying on the tent’s ground, surrounded by blankets and darkness, the only sound besides their breaths being the fierce rain out there.

“It’s not your fault.” Hoseok mumbles, not bothering to open his eyes.

“I should’ve done something.”

“You could’ve done nothing.”

“Let me try.”

Hyunwoo’s voice is a plead, and Hoseok looks at him.

“Let me try, Wonho.” Hyunwoo pleads again, his eyes too sincere, too full of care.

Hoseok gulps. Try and what? Fix the past? Fix him?

“You can’t fix what’s not broken.”

“I don’t want to fix it.” the older runs a hand through Hoseok’s hair, kindly. “I want to love it.”

Hoseok watches him for a moment. Then, very carefully, he nods.

Hyunwoo kisses him once.

And then twice.

And then again.

And again.

And again.

The rain decreases to a low drizzle, the wind blowing furiously, threatening to break their sand castle without not even a little bit of regret. Later on, even the drizzle decreases, slowly, slowly, too slowly...

And then it’s nothing.

The rain calls out all of Hoseok’s demons, and Hyunwoo can’t fight what he can’t touch.

It doesn’t mean he’s not going to try his best.

*

 **H.:** hey, minhyuk, i’m sorry for fighting you

 **H.:** i was just tired and ended up shooting down on everyone

 **M.:** it’s okay. i’m not upset

 **M.:** is everything okay now, though?

...

 **H.:** yeah

 **H.:** yeah, i think it is

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen researches saying that, after an abusive relationship, most of the victims tend to acquire a behavior similar to the behavior of their abuser. I don't know if that's true, so I kind of just flowed with the concept and tried to explain why it can happen. The thing here is: Wonho's scared of being scared. He's so used to someone controlling him, he's so used to someone telling him what he can or cannot do (and hurting him if he doesn't follow the 'never said rules') that he kind of freaks out every time a closer person does something his mind classifies as dangerous to his free-will; and that's why he ends up so angry, so confused and defensive. He doesn't want it to happen again, because he's scared that he'll break for good then ― he's scared of not being able to escape from it a second time, he's scared that he's going to get back to when he was so broken and so scared that _he_ could barely recognize himself. He started to believe it wasn't his fault that he ended up that way ― because _it wasn't_ ―, so he decided he wouldn't let anyone try and take it (his life, his free-will, his everything) again.
> 
> Abusive relationships of any kind can change people's lives forever, it doesn't matter how long they last.
> 
> If you're living with an abuser, please, tell.  
>  If you know someone who's living with an abuser, please, help.  
>  Be safe, guys.  
>  Love for you all <3
> 
> Any question/request/desire to talk about anything, you can contact me here, [ tumblr](http://firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin.tumblr.com/), [ twitter](https://twitter.com/notmadetobeheld) or [ curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/notmadetobeheld) :D


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